This blog is now at studentofchange.com.
Your Brain on Feedback
Last month I praised Yahoo CEO Carol Bartz's head-on approach to giving and receiving feedback. I never said that what she did was easy. A commenter, M., responded to the post by articulating just how hard it has been for him to open himself up to feedback. M. wrote:
For a long time, it was enough for me just to be able to hear criticism without getting incredibly defensive and shutting it down – actually soliciting feedback where there was a risk it wouldn’t be entirely positive was tantamount to masochism for me.
M. is not alone. Who among us wants to invite criticism that makes us feel bad? In fact, there are both psychological and physiological reasons why asking for feedback is so hard. Organizational theorist Chris Argyris says that our aversion to negative feedback is why it is so hard to teach smart people how to learn. Smart people are accustomed to getting positive feedback for their behavior, and lack practice in dealing with their own failures. As a result, Argyris says, smart people "become defensive, screen out criticism, and put 'blame' on anyone and everyone except themselves. In short, their ability to learn shuts down precisely at the moment they need it most." Sound familiar? (Argyris quote from this book.)
Meanwhile, a little part of our brains called the amygdala is taking over at the first sign of threatening feedback. The amygdala is the walnut sized area of the brain that produces that fight/flight/freeze response that makes our palms sweat, our breath quicken, or our feet want to run out the door at the first sign of criticism. A leadership training I did likened the triggered amygdala to a fire alarm. Imagine trying to hold a conversation -- and graciously take in feedback -- with an alarm blaring in your ear. Not the best conditions for a thoughtful response, much less learning.
Consciously avoiding feedback, though, can be even worse. Commenter M. writes,
What I realized was that in the absence of feedback, I was already filling in the blanks with my very worst fears – that I wasn’t doing a good job, that I was a crappy friend, that I was unfit, incompetent, and so on down the line. If I don’t ask for feedback, I am assuring that the haters in my head will be the only voices I hear.
Oh, those voices in our heads! Prolific business book guy Seth Godin says those voices are our overactive "lizard brain" speaking up to intervene whenever we get too close to completing something that could garner criticism or ridicule. (The amygdala is the soul of the lizard brain.) If you have ever asked yourself if you should really submit that article, make that speech, or show that painting for fear of negative feedback, that is your lizard brain talking. A life lived at the mercy of the lizard brain is a life of self sabotage and never-ending self doubt.
So how do we overcome our aversion to learning from failure, our hyper-sensitive amygdalas, and our annoying lizard brains? That's a topic for another post. For now, here is how commenter M. finally came around to see inviting feedback as a good thing:
I [think] about it from the perspective of “what would my best self want?” If I’m firing on all cylinders, if I’m being the premium me, as it were – that means that I am someone who is strong enough to hear feedback and make necessary changes, and to have that be a positive and productive experience. Every time I choose to put myself on the line and ask for it, I’m choosing to be the better me and to invest in my own growth.
Pretty smart for a lizard.
On Being an Effective White Anti-Racist Ally
I've been thinking a lot this week about what it means to be a white, anti-racist ally to people of color. Though I try to live everyday in a way that reflects my values about ending racism, as is the case for most whites, on a typical day I do not have to leave my comfort zone around race. Every once in a while my mettle as a white ally is tested, and I have to reflect on how well I am really doing. I have done some training, read some, and thought a lot about what it means to be a white anti-racist ally, but it is something different to have to put those values into practice in real time. Here are some ideas that feel alive to me right now around this topic: It's Easy and It's Hard It's easy because often it is just as simple as reaching out and connecting with another person in a human way. Checking in with a colleague or friend of color, showing support and acknowledging what feels challenging.
It's hard because it requires that we stand up in a public way that feels uncomfortable. Racism is perpetuated, in large part, by the silence of whites. Saying something that calls attention to our whiteness, and acknowledges our connection to the legacy of white racism in this country can feel risky. It can also alienate us from other whites, which can feel painful.
It's Not About Being the Good White Person One thing that many whites feel is the need to be viewed as "The Good White Person." Especially prevalent among liberals, this syndrome is driven by an extreme fear of being perceived as "racist." The Good White Person couldn't possibly have any racism in her heart because she is so enlightened and anti-racist. The Good White Person really gets it and wants to make sure people of color and other whites know that. The Good White Person often ends up making every race conversation about himself. This stance is not only unhelpful, it is dishonest. None of us is without racism in our hearts. We cannot be so tied to appearing innocent or evolved that we make the conversation all about us.
It's About Making the First Move and Not Having the Last Word A common white person behavior is to sit back and not talk about race until a person of color brings it up. Then, we expect the person of color to educate us about racism and tolerance. This puts all of the burden and risk on people of color, allowing white folks to disengage until we are presented with the subject in a way we cannot ignore. To be an effective white ally, we must be willing to take on the risk of talking about race in a real way and not always leave it up to others.
White allies must also learn that we cannot always have the last word. When it comes to race, most white people wish that the issue would just resolve itself and go away. In heated dialogues, often we try to have the last word in an attempt to "solve the problem" so that we feel better. One way we do this is by focusing on trying to resolve the individual conflict ("If the two of them could just talk and resolve their issues, everything would be fine") rather than addressing the messier underlying issue ("My colleague is feeling the pain of racism and I can't solve that"). Being an effective white anti-racist ally means listening to, and sitting with, the uncomfortable realities of racism and realizing that no amount of our talking is going to tie everything up in a neat little bow.
Interested in your feedback in the comments. Thanks.
How Many Minutes of Freedom Do You Want?
I haven't been blogging much because I have been in midterm-mode, writing paper after paper. One thing has greatly assisted my productivity during this stressful time: Freedom. Not "freedom," the enduring concept, but Freedom, an application for Mac that blocks your computer's access to the internet for up to eight hours at a time. You may have read about it recently (as I did) in the New York Times Magazine. Once you open Freedom, a window asks you "how many minutes of freedom do you want?" and when you enter your desired time, Freedom blocks your internet access for that long. You can't get desperate and quit the program; the only way to override Freedom is to restart your computer. I'm not going to say I've never cracked and done the restart, but it is certainly a deterrent.
The amazing result: free from email, Twitter, Facebook, the New York Times, and Googling every person, place or thing that pops in my head, I can actually concentrate and write.
Using Freedom has made me more mindful of just how much my mind craves distraction, even when I am supposedly "focused" on a task. I still find myself reflexively clicking on my browser whenever the sentence I am trying to write escapes me. My mind thinks, "I can't figure out how to word this idea... hmm... let me go check my email/10 websites and come back to this..." Only with Freedom running, my browser gives me an error message and prevents the bad habit. It is like a subtle kick in the pants that says, "Not so fast, stick with it, get back to work."
Mac users, try out Freedom at macfreedom.com. It's free!
Free Getting Things Done (GTD) Resources
In the future I'll probably write about Getting Things Done (GTD, for short), David Allen's bestselling book about productivity and stress reduction. I am a huge fan -- not a day goes by that I don't actively use GTD's core principles. The best place to start with GTD is to read the book, which costs about $10 and is a quick and engaging read.
Once you're ready to learn more, check out this list of free GTD resources available from the David Allen Company.
