Using the Warmer/Colder Test to Stay Aligned With Your Purpose

Remember that childhood game, warmer/colder?  You'd search for a hidden object while your friend who'd hidden the object told you if you were getting "warmer" or "colder" with each step.  "Warmer" meant you were getting closer, and "colder" meant you were edging farther away.  To succeed at the game, you had to follow the "warmer" prompts until you were right where you were supposed to be. My friend and I were discussing a career decision I had to make, and he asked me if either choice felt "warmer" or "colder" in relation to where I ultimately wanted to be.  When I thought about it, one option clearly felt "warmer" -- that was where I needed to focus my attention.  The other felt "colder" --  not the direction I wanted to be headed.  That's when it clicked for me: warmer/colder is a great everyday gut-check for alignment with purpose.

I began to test out the warmer/colder question in little and big ways.  Staying up late reading blogs? Colder, zapping my energy to focus on things that are really important to me.  Reading a book on brain science?  Warmer, exploring a new area of interest.  Taking a consulting gig to do work unrelated to my studies?  Colder, dragging me back into a way of working that doesn't work for me.  Seeking out connections with new people and organizations?  Warmer, though it feels risky and unknown.

This can be especially helpful in times of career transition and personal growth.  You may feel like you have no clue of where you are going, but doing a warmer/colder check can provide you with some quick gut-level data as you move forward.

Your Brain on Feedback

Last month I praised Yahoo CEO Carol Bartz's head-on approach to giving and receiving feedback.  I never said that what she did was easy. A commenter, M., responded to the post by articulating just how hard it has been for him to open himself up to feedback.  M. wrote:

For a long time, it was enough for me just to be able to hear criticism without getting incredibly defensive and shutting it down – actually soliciting feedback where there was a risk it wouldn’t be entirely positive was tantamount to masochism for me.

M. is not alone.  Who among us wants to invite criticism that makes us feel bad?  In fact, there are both psychological and physiological reasons why asking for feedback is so hard. Organizational theorist Chris Argyris says that our aversion to negative feedback is why it is so hard to teach smart people how to learn.  Smart people are accustomed to getting positive feedback for their behavior, and lack practice in dealing with their own failures. As a result, Argyris says, smart people "become defensive, screen out criticism, and put 'blame' on anyone and everyone except themselves.  In short, their ability to learn shuts down precisely at the moment they need it most." Sound familiar? (Argyris quote from this book.)

Meanwhile, a little part of our brains called the amygdala is taking over at the first sign of threatening feedback.  The amygdala is the walnut sized area of the brain that produces that fight/flight/freeze response that makes our palms sweat, our breath quicken, or our feet want to run out the door at the first sign of criticism.  A leadership training I did likened the triggered amygdala to a fire alarm.  Imagine trying to hold a conversation -- and graciously take in feedback -- with an alarm blaring in your ear. Not the best conditions for a thoughtful response, much less learning.

Consciously avoiding feedback, though, can be even worse.  Commenter M. writes,

What I realized was that in the absence of feedback, I was already filling in the blanks with my very worst fears – that I wasn’t doing a good job, that I was a crappy friend, that I was unfit, incompetent, and so on down the line.  If I don’t ask for feedback, I am assuring that the haters in my head will be the only voices I hear.

Oh, those voices in our heads!  Prolific business book guy Seth Godin says those voices are our overactive "lizard brain" speaking up to intervene whenever we get too close to completing something that could garner criticism or ridicule. (The amygdala is the soul of the lizard brain.) If you have ever asked yourself if you should really submit that article, make that speech, or show that painting for fear of negative feedback, that is your lizard brain talking. A life lived at the mercy of the lizard brain is a life of self sabotage and never-ending self doubt.

So how do we overcome our aversion to learning from failure, our hyper-sensitive amygdalas, and our annoying lizard brains?  That's a topic for another post.  For now, here is how commenter M. finally came around to see inviting feedback as a good thing:

I [think] about it from the perspective of “what would my best self want?” If I’m firing on all cylinders, if I’m being the premium me, as it were – that means that I am someone who is strong enough to hear feedback and make necessary changes, and to have that be a positive and productive experience. Every time I choose to put myself on the line and ask for it, I’m choosing to be the better me and to invest in my own growth.

Pretty smart for a lizard.

On Being an Effective White Anti-Racist Ally

I've been thinking a lot this week about what it means to be a white, anti-racist ally to people of color.  Though I try to live everyday in a way that reflects my values about ending racism, as is the case for most whites, on a typical day I do not have to leave my comfort zone around race.  Every once in a while my mettle as a white ally is tested, and I have to reflect on how well I am really doing.  I have done some training, read some, and thought a lot about what it means to be a white anti-racist ally, but it is something different to have to put those values into practice in real time.  Here are some ideas that feel alive to me right now around this topic: It's Easy and It's Hard It's easy because often it is just as simple as reaching out and connecting with another person in a human way.  Checking in with a colleague or friend of color, showing support and acknowledging what feels challenging.

It's hard because it requires that we stand up in a public way that feels uncomfortable.  Racism is perpetuated, in large part, by the silence of whites.  Saying something that calls attention to our whiteness, and acknowledges our connection to the legacy of white racism in this country can feel risky.  It can also alienate us from other whites, which can feel painful.

It's Not About Being the Good White Person One thing that many whites feel is the need to be viewed as "The Good White Person."  Especially prevalent among liberals, this syndrome is driven by an extreme fear of being perceived as "racist."  The Good White Person couldn't possibly have any racism in her heart because she is so enlightened and anti-racist.  The Good White Person really gets it and wants to make sure people of color and other whites know that.  The Good White Person often ends up making every race conversation about himself.  This stance is not only unhelpful, it is dishonest.  None of us is without racism in our hearts. We cannot be so tied to appearing innocent or evolved that we make the conversation all about us.

It's About Making the First Move and Not Having the Last Word A common white person behavior is to sit back and not talk about race until a person of color brings it up.   Then, we expect the person of color to educate us about racism and tolerance.  This puts all of the burden and risk on people of color, allowing white folks to disengage until we are presented with the subject in a way we cannot ignore.   To be an effective white ally, we must be willing to take on the risk of talking about race in a real way and not always leave it up to others.

White allies must also learn that we cannot always have the last word.  When it comes to race, most white people wish that the issue would just resolve itself and go away.  In heated dialogues, often we try to have the last word in an attempt to "solve the problem" so that we feel better.  One way we do this is by focusing on trying to resolve the individual conflict ("If the two of them could just talk and resolve their issues, everything would be fine") rather than addressing the messier underlying issue ("My colleague is feeling the pain of racism and I can't solve that").  Being an effective white anti-racist ally means listening to, and sitting with, the uncomfortable realities of racism and realizing that no amount of our talking is going to tie everything up in a neat little bow.

Interested in your feedback in the comments.  Thanks.

Taming the Stress of Our Plugged-In Lives

As much as the web and portable technology have made our lives easier, they have also brought new stresses.   We can sometimes find ourselves overwhelmed by the emails, friend requests, blog feeds, Twitter feeds, and action alerts that seem to be demanding an increasing amount of our time.  The answer is not to opt out of these technologies, but to find ways to maximize their benefits while minimizing the stresses they bring.

Here are a couple of strategies for taming the stress of our plugged-in lives. Re-calibrate your sense of urgency and importance.

It's been fifteen years since Steven Covey, A. Roger Merrill and Rebecca A. Merrill first warned us about the dangers of "urgency addiction" in their bestseller, First Things First.  They argue that the compulsive drive to treat every call, email, or interruption in life as an urgent matter distracts us from focusing on what is actually important. Just think about it: they wrote about this before we all carried our email inboxes in our pockets.

In truth, many of the important things in life and work don't get the benefit our attention because they aren't that urgent. Consider how hard it can be to convince leaders within your organization to devote time and resources to staff development or long-term goal-setting, and you start to get the point. 

Take the time to check in with yourself about what is truly urgent and what is truly important. How does this differ from where you are currently placing your attention and your energy?  How is your relationship to technology -- particularly email -- contributing to this dissonance?  

Regular mindfulness about these questions can help nudge you toward using technology in ways that are more meaningful and less draining.

Take a 48-hour information holiday.

You don't need to know everything, all the time.  

Whether it's a celebrity gossip habit or an every-political-blog-under-the-sun habit, many of us are prone to going a little overboard with our media consumption.   It can feel like if we aren't on top of it all, we will fall behind, and... then what?  For most of us, the stakes actually aren't that high.  Like anything, information consumption is good in moderation, but too much of it can affect sleep, relationships, work, and our ability to relax.

Twice a year (or more!) try taking a 48-hour information holiday.  Reduce your "inputs" to a bare minimum, and see how it feels to be relieved of the pressure to always know what is going on everywhere.  This looks different for everyone, but could include putting your laptop in a drawer for the weekend, using your phone only for phone calls, and setting an auto-reply on your email as if you were on vacation.  

The idea is to eliminate the inputs that you feel tied to -- the sources of information and interaction you feel you cannot live without.  Do this, and you'll learn that you can.

When You are Lucky Enough to Have, and Hate, Your Job

Most of us can relate to the experience of holding down a job that is no longer working for us.   Whether it's the boss from hell or a vague sense that there is more to life, at some point we all feel the urge to move on.  In flusher times, maybe you would search out greener pastures, but in the Great Recession, that option may not exist.  So, how do you cope?

Harvard Business' Management Tip of the Day offers three strategies to help you survive:

1.  Connect with people (build relationships among those you work with)

2.  Use humor  (don't be so grim about it all!)

3.  Don't be complacent  (Use your free time to look for other jobs and update your LinkedIn profile)

These are great tips for making it through the 9 to 5, but as anyone in a less-than-ideal job situation knows, the stress and worry follow you home.  Here are three things you can do when you're NOT at work to make sure the job that's bringing you down doesn't zap the energy out of your entire life:

1.  Reconnect with purpose -- and go deep.  Many of us were doing  what we loved at one point, and then somehow get lost along the way.  The job changed, we changed, or both.  What is it you really want to be doing?  Two ways you might think about this:  First, what are the times you have felt the happiest in your life, and what made that so? And second, envisioning your own funeral, what do you want your friends, family, and colleagues to say about you?  In other words, why are you on this planet?  Start with that picture in mind, and allow it to steer you on the right course when you are ready to make your next move.  

2.  Begin a 5-minute daily mindfulness practice.  The stress and anxiety of being out-of-sync or miserable at the place you spend 40+ hours a week can be overwhelming.  If there ever was a time to create some quiet head-space for yourself, it is now.  If you are new to mindfulness practice, start with three to five minutes a day of quiet sitting (basic instructions here).  Building a mindfulness practice will do several things when you are out-of-sync with your job:  it will strengthen your ability to be in the present moment, nipping those anxiety spirals in the bud; it will give your over-active mind a rest from stressful thinking; and it will return your attention to your human-ness, by focusing your attention on the simple wonder of the breath.

3.  Start a fulfilling side project -- and earn extra income.  What is it you love to do? I mean really, really love to do?  For me it is painting, cooking, and crafting of all sorts.  (It's also thinking and writing about ideas, which is why I started this blog!) If you hate your job, now is the time to put some off-hours energy into things that bring you joy. Two reasons for this.  First, you could use some extra joy right now.  And second, if you can monetize your passion that extra cash will diversify your income, which down the road could give you that extra wiggle room you need to break free from your job.  Trent at The Simple Dollar has written a lot about how to tackle side-businesses.  

If this economy has taught us anything, it's that nothing lasts forever.  The most stable job, the biggest bank, even the beloved morning paper -- the things we thought would always be around -- are no longer safe bets.   If you are stuck in a job you hate (perhaps feeling guilty for hating it in this economy --anyone?) now is the time to reconnect with what fulfills you and what grounds you.  That is the space you want to be prepared to fully step into as things, inevitably, change.